Dinosaurs are pretty much the coolest thing to ever roam the planet. I fucking love dinosaurs. Almost as much as unicorns – and if you know me at all, you know that’s a pretty bold statement.
I am in my 30’s and I am the proud collector of Dino toys. Only the good ones though. Brands like Rebor, Sideshow, PAPO, some Schleich, some CollectA and some Safari.
I’d collect unicorn toys as well – but a part of me feels a room full of unicorns makes you look borderline crazy while a room full of dinosaurs automatically gives you that cool factor you’re obviously striving so hard far. So dinosaurs it is!
Even though the lamest dinosaur is a million times cooler than the most kick-ass animal, there still has to be a list of dinosaurs that are winning and dinosaurs that are failing.
So let’s get this party started:
The Top 5 Dinosaurs That Fail, IMO
Although aquatic dinosaurs are pretty fuckin’ nifty, I feel that this aquatic Dino is the least awesome. Although it did make a small cameo in Charlie the Unicorn – which is why I’ll make it LAST on my list of lamest dinosaurs.
It lacks size and it doesn’t boast a very good kill record. It’s not even on the top five of the prehistoric aquatic food chain.
I also imagine it’s skin to be smooth and shiny like a seal which makes it more like a sealasaurus than a kick-ass swimming dinosaur.
Sorry, Lio – turns out you’re not the king of the world after all.
I wish I could say I liked this dinosaur. Anything with the word “raptor” in it has got to kick ass, right? FALSE.
Oviraptor, unfortunately, is not a deadier, condensed version of its cousin, the velociraptor. It’s main diet consisted of eggs that were STOLEN when other dinosaurs turned their backs. Talk about cheap shots.
If I was to compare it to an animal of today, I would compare it to a hyena or an African wild dog. A predatory scavanger that doesn’t even look cool. Im going to go with a turkey crossed with a hyena. Yes.
I feel like, in dino terms, it’s a cross between barely a raptor, a gallimimus, a compsognathus (the tiny dinosaurs you see in Jurassic Park, The Lost World, and JP3), and an asshole.
Which leads me to the third lamest dinosaur on my list:
This dinosaur is basically an ostrich and for that, fuck you.
#2: Brontosaurus or Apatosaurus
Honestly, I almost feel bad putting this guy on my list – nevermind so high up on my list. But he really is a lame-o-saurus. It is argued that the Bronto is a sub species of the Apato and if that was the case I would take Apato off the list completely – but since it can’t be agreed on that they are two different long-necked dinosaurs, they both take the title at #2.
If I was to compare it to an animal of today, I would combine an elephant, a cow and a sloth. Although each of these animals are pretty awesome, combining all three into a dinosaur that didn’t contribute any awesome during DinoDays makes me ask, “What’s the point?”
Do not confuse this Dino with Brachiosaurus. This breed of long necked sauropod kicked MEGA ass and is NOT under the same category as Brontofailasaurus.
#1: Pterodactyl & Iguanodon
I had to tie these two stupid dinosaurs.
Usually, anything with wings automatically defaults to everything awesome – but with this guy, I have to disagree. It’s ugly and any toy or display at dinosaur shows or theme parks with this dinosaur look fucking retarded.
If I was to compare it with an animal of today it would be crossed with a pelican, a bat and a seagull. Let that sink in for a minute. Yeah. Fucking stupid.
And don’t even get me started on iguanodon. It’s name is so lame, I feel like a 5 year old boy found its bones and the museum was like, ok what do you want to name it? And he was like IGUANASAURUS AFTER MY IGUANA – and they somehow convinced him to drop the “Saurus” and replace it with “don” in hopes of a less lame sounding dinosaur. Nope. Nice try though.
Also – it’s thumbs look fucking ridiculous. What made people putting this skeleton together decide they were thumbs? That poor dinosaur is rolling over in its grave cursing humans and screaming: “THOSE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SPIKES AT THE END OF MY TAIL!” Those stupid thumbs are a lifelong curse of giving everyone a thumbs up, even if it wants to say “hey, GFY!” They should of called it Fonziesaurus.
Sorry, Igo… There’s just no turning back now.
Top 5 Dinosaurs That Win, IMO
This is my favourite dinosaur of all time. But, I have enough common sense to know that this herbivore simply cannot be #1.
I feel like this is the unicorn of the dinosaurs. Beautiful, graceful and probably magical.
It’s known to have large paternal and maternal instincts and even “DinoSat” other hatchlings amongst the herd.
It also isn’t useless like the brontosaurus and can run at top speeds and will viscously defend its family unit. Go team!
This dinosaur is the sexiest of all the ceratopsians, or “horned faced” dinosaurs.
They have a beak like mouth that is unique to ceratopsians and the Styracosaurus has the deadliest horns on its nose and neck frill.
If I was to compare Styracosaurus with an animal of today, it would be Megan Fox.
#3: Tyrannosaurus Rex
We all knew T-Rex was going to make this list. But, I bet many of you thought it was going to be #1!
T-Rex has star power and definitely wins any kind of popularity contest – thanks to the Jurassic Park franchise.
Although the T-Rex was at the top of the cheer-a-mid and most likely dated the prized quarterback, I definitely feel that there are more meatier, underrated, kick ass carnivorous dinosaurs out there.
Plus, Rexy has been the brunt of too many short-arm-can’t-reach jokes. Although a T-Rex joke never gets old, a T-Rex at the top of dino lists does.
Because it’s fucking Megalodon.
And here we have #1! The Spinosaurus. This mean mother towers over the t-rex. It’s pretty much a Baryonix (another kick-ass dino) on steroids.
It’s believed that it had webbed feet because the dorsal fin on its back would have no other purpose rather than a tool for swimming.
That’s right. This dinosaur SWAM. It might as well sprout wings and breathe fire so we can call it a fucking dragon. It’s practically that anyways.
If I was to compare it to an animal of today, it would be Chuck Norris.
Honourable Mention Top 3 Dinosaurs That Win
This is the dinosaur that has been dubbed the false name of Velociraptor – again – thanks to the Jurassic Park Franchise.
Don’t get me wrong – the Jurassic Park movies are the equivalent of porn when it comes to creature features, but they did falsely depict some of the dinosaurs.
Even though they are smaller than many prehistoric carnivores, the deinonychus had very few reasons to watch his back. Human-like smarts, lightening speed, cat like flexibility and agility with a machete attached to his foot made this dino almost indestructible.
This dinosaur is the equivalent of today to a honey badger, on ecstasy, with a chain saw.
Look at this fucking dinosaur. LOOK AT IT.
It’s a living, breathing weapon. It is a mace with a brain. Enough said.
I choose this dinosaur because
Just ask all those people in Scotland.