Dinosaurs that win & fail according to GlitterShits 

Dinosaurs are pretty much the coolest thing to ever roam the planet. I fucking love dinosaurs. Almost as much as unicorns – and if you know me at all, you know that’s a pretty bold statement. 

I am in my 30’s and I am the proud collector of Dino toys. Only the good ones though. Brands like Rebor, Sideshow, PAPO, some Schleich, some CollectA and some Safari. 

I’d collect unicorn toys as well – but a part of me feels a room full of unicorns makes you look borderline crazy while a room full of dinosaurs automatically gives you that cool factor you’re obviously striving so hard far. So dinosaurs it is! 

Even though the lamest dinosaur is a million times cooler than the most kick-ass animal, there still has to be a list of dinosaurs that are winning and dinosaurs that are failing. 

So let’s get this party started:

The Top 5 Dinosaurs That Fail, IMO

#5: Liopleurodon 

  

Although aquatic dinosaurs are pretty fuckin’ nifty, I feel that this aquatic Dino is the least awesome. Although it did make a small cameo in Charlie the Unicorn – which is why I’ll make it LAST on my list of lamest dinosaurs. 

It lacks size and it doesn’t boast a very good kill record. It’s not even on the top five of the prehistoric aquatic food chain. 

I also imagine it’s skin to be smooth and shiny like a seal which makes it more like a sealasaurus than a kick-ass swimming dinosaur. 

Sorry, Lio – turns out you’re not the king of the world after all. 

#4: Oviraptor

  

I wish I could say I liked this dinosaur. Anything with the word “raptor” in it has got to kick ass, right? FALSE. 

Oviraptor, unfortunately, is not a deadier, condensed version of its cousin, the velociraptor. It’s main diet consisted of eggs that were STOLEN when other dinosaurs turned their backs. Talk about cheap shots. 

If I was to compare it to an animal of today, I would compare it to a hyena or an African wild dog. A predatory scavanger that doesn’t even look cool. Im going to go with a turkey crossed with a hyena. Yes. 

I feel like, in dino terms, it’s a cross between barely a raptor, a gallimimus, a compsognathus (the tiny dinosaurs you see in Jurassic Park, The Lost World, and JP3), and an asshole. 

Just sayin’… 

Which leads me to the third lamest dinosaur on my list: 

#3: Gallimimus 

  

This dinosaur is basically an ostrich and for that, fuck you. 

#2: Brontosaurus or Apatosaurus 

  

Honestly, I almost feel bad putting this guy on my list – nevermind so high up on my list. But he really is a lame-o-saurus. It is argued that the Bronto is a sub species of the Apato and if that was the case I would take Apato off the list completely – but since it can’t be agreed on that they are two different long-necked dinosaurs, they both take the title at #2. 

If I was to compare it to an animal of today, I would combine an elephant, a cow and a sloth. Although each of these animals are pretty awesome, combining all three into a dinosaur that didn’t contribute any awesome during DinoDays makes me ask, “What’s the point?” 

Do not confuse this Dino with Brachiosaurus. This breed of long necked sauropod kicked MEGA ass and is NOT under the same category as Brontofailasaurus. 

#1: Pterodactyl & Iguanodon

  

   

 I had to tie these two stupid dinosaurs. 

Usually, anything with wings automatically defaults to everything awesome – but with this guy, I have to disagree. It’s ugly and any toy or display at dinosaur shows or theme parks with this dinosaur look fucking retarded. 

If I was to compare it with an animal of today it would be crossed with a pelican, a bat and a seagull. Let that sink in for a minute. Yeah. Fucking stupid. 

And don’t even get me started on iguanodon. It’s name is so lame, I feel like a 5 year old boy found its bones and the museum was like, ok what do you want to name it? And he was like IGUANASAURUS AFTER MY IGUANA – and they somehow convinced him to drop the “Saurus” and replace it with “don” in hopes of a less lame sounding dinosaur. Nope. Nice try though. 

Also – it’s thumbs look fucking ridiculous. What made people putting this skeleton together decide they were thumbs? That poor dinosaur is rolling over in its grave cursing humans and screaming: “THOSE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SPIKES AT THE END OF MY TAIL!” Those stupid thumbs are a lifelong curse of giving everyone a thumbs up, even if it wants to say “hey, GFY!” They should of called it Fonziesaurus. 

Sorry, Igo… There’s just no turning back now. 

Top 5 Dinosaurs That Win, IMO

#5: Parasaurolophus 

  

This is my favourite dinosaur of all time. But, I have enough common sense to know that this herbivore simply cannot be #1. 

I feel like this is the unicorn of the dinosaurs. Beautiful, graceful and probably magical. 

It’s known to have large paternal and maternal instincts and even “DinoSat” other hatchlings amongst the herd. 

It also isn’t useless like the brontosaurus and can run at top speeds and will viscously defend its family unit. Go team! 

#4: Styracosaurus 

  

This dinosaur is the sexiest of all the ceratopsians, or “horned faced” dinosaurs. 

They have a beak like mouth that is unique to ceratopsians and the Styracosaurus has the deadliest horns on its nose and neck frill. 

If I was to compare Styracosaurus with an animal of today, it would be Megan Fox. 

#3: Tyrannosaurus Rex 

  

We all knew T-Rex was going to make this list. But, I bet many of you thought it was going to be #1! 

T-Rex has star power and definitely wins any kind of popularity contest – thanks to the Jurassic Park franchise. 

Although the T-Rex was at the top of the cheer-a-mid and most likely dated the prized quarterback, I definitely feel that there are more meatier, underrated, kick ass carnivorous dinosaurs out there. 

Plus, Rexy has been the brunt of too many short-arm-can’t-reach jokes. Although a T-Rex joke never gets old, a T-Rex at the top of dino lists does. 

#2: Megalodon

   

 
Because it’s fucking Megalodon. 

#1: Spinosaurus

  

And here we have #1! The Spinosaurus. This mean mother towers over the t-rex. It’s pretty much a Baryonix (another kick-ass dino) on steroids. 

It’s believed that it had webbed feet because the dorsal fin on its back would have no other purpose rather than a tool for swimming. 

That’s right. This dinosaur SWAM. It might as well sprout wings and breathe fire so we can call it a fucking dragon. It’s practically that anyways. 

If I was to compare it to an animal of today, it would be Chuck Norris. 

Honourable Mention Top 3 Dinosaurs That Win

#1: Deinonychus

  

This is the dinosaur that has been dubbed the false name of Velociraptor – again – thanks to the Jurassic Park Franchise. 

Don’t get me wrong – the Jurassic Park movies are the equivalent of porn when it comes to creature features, but they did falsely depict some of the dinosaurs. 

Even though they are smaller than many prehistoric carnivores, the deinonychus had very few reasons to watch his back. Human-like smarts, lightening speed, cat like flexibility and agility with a machete attached to his foot made this dino almost indestructible. 

This dinosaur is the equivalent of today to a honey badger, on ecstasy, with a chain saw. 

#2: Ankylosaurus

  

Look at this fucking dinosaur. LOOK AT IT. 

It’s a living, breathing weapon. It is a mace with a brain. Enough said. 

#3: Thalassomedon

  

I choose this dinosaur because 

It

Still

Exists. 

Just ask all those people in Scotland. 

   

Hooray! Another hatey list blog! 

Sometimes, when you burn food – it gives it that yummy charred taste. Things like BBQ chicken, or marshmallows or hotdogs over a fire. But then there are things that you burn that taste so horrible, you start to contemplate the act of eating altogether and why you even bother. 
Here is my top three list of things that taste like absolute shit when burnt. 

#3: Pasta Noodles 
I know you’ve all been there. A pot of KD at 3am after a night of drinking always sounds glorious. The only catch is you have to make it and you are starting to experience the spins. 

Intentions always start out the greatest. You skip the step of boiling the water before you put in the pasta. Drunken sense tells you it’s an unnecessary step. 

You put the burner on high, dump in pasta and go lay on the couch. 

The initial boil over scares the living shit out of you. You leap off the couch and pull the pot off the burner and blow down the foam bubbles. You look at the stove top and start to dread the clean up in the morning. 

Ok, you give the pasta a stir – turn the temp way down and let the noodles simmer as you go counteract your spins with your arm draped over your eyes while you lay on the couch waiting for your glorious KD that is going to fix  everything.

This is about the time you pass out and eventually wake to the smell of something burning. How long were you asleep for? You don’t know – but it definitely was long enough for every last drop of water to boil out and half the pasta to cook to the bottom of the pot. 

Go you! Superstar. 

Whatever – you scrape what’s salvageable and add the heavenly powdered cheese, milk and butter only to discover that the noodles are mushy and they have that burnt taste that completely overpowers anything you tried to accomplish. 

Fuck it. You’re finding a way to a McDonald’s drive thru. 

#2: Bread 

I am always torn with whether or not to call this bread or toast. 

Technically, if the bread is burnt it’s now toast. (No pun intended) 

You’re not toasting toast. You’re toasting bread. And the end result, burnt or not, is toast. 

Toast that has gone too far is one of the nastiest things I’ve ever tasted. 

There is no amount of jam, peanut butter, Nutella or cheese whiz that can save it, either. 

In my experience, the numbers on a toaster mean sweet fuck-all. Numbers usually range from 1-6, and for the longest time time I thought they were levels of toastiness. 

Turns out, though, that they are minutes. 

But – they aren’t just regular minutes that the rest of the world uses. They are magical toaster world minutes. 

Last week, 3 gave me the perfect level of toastiness. ZERO burnt spots, a beautiful golden brown throughout, and crust that still has a bit of elasticity to it. Perfection. 

Today, 3 completely obliterated my bread. 

Sigh. Ok, toaster… Please enlighten me as to why 3 toaster minutes LAST WEEK was the perfect amount of time to toast my bread, but, THIS WEEK, 3 toaster minutes is the equivalent of a nuclear war against breakfast? 

Ok – new bread and 2 should do the trick. 

NOPE, still burnt to shit. 

Ok – new bread and 1. No? Oh this is a fun game. Now you won’t even stay down. No matter how many times I push down the lever or how long I hold it for, it pops back up. 

A TOASTER IS THE JAR JAR BINKS OF SMALL KITCHEN APPLIANCES. 

I give up. Im having sugar crisp. 

#1: Popcorn 

I feel that I don’t even really need to expand on this one. Everyone has experienced burnt microwaved popcorn at some point. 

It is the most vile smell and taste in the burnt food category. 

Even if only TWO kernels are burnt – it will ruin the ENTIRE BAG. Not only is the whole bag ruined, your whole house will now smell like burnt popcorn carcasses for a few weeks. It’s best burn your house down and start over at this point, to be honest. 

You know who’s fault this is? That fucking POPCORN BUTTON on the microwave. It’s the biggest asshole known to man that LIED on its resume to get the job. 

“Fluent in popcorn popping time”

Until it’s time to deliver and it screws up EVERY TIME… 

“Uhh.. This popcorn is a different dialect.” 

Yeah. Whatever. I’ll just start the process of elimination to find the perfect popping time by manually keying in the cooking time. 

PS – my perfect popcorn popping time is 2:22. 

You’re welcome. 

Things that make me rage

I haven’t ranted in a bit.. Let’s see what I’ve been bottling up:

When someone gets a wrist tattoo the size of a loonie and boasts with the caption; “TATTED UPPPPP!!!” No. No you’re not. You’ve received a tattoo.. And now you have one tattoo. Sshhhh.

When strangers think my pregnant belly is a free for all. HOLD UP. Stop touching me. Did I give you permission to touch me? ALSO – my sleeve tattoo. “Ohhh I love your tattoo…” As they reach out and grab my arm and twist it in an extremely awkward angle to see the other side of it. Seriously? I’m going to start walking up to people who have really soft looking sweaters and rub my face into their backs. Seems fair, right?

Unsolicited advice from people who do NOT succeed at life. I fail at a lot of things… That’s why I usually keep my advice to myself – unless it’s shit I am qualified in. But my FAVORITE is when the alcoholic criticizes the food addict. OR the non-parent advises the parent. NO. STOP IT AND KNOW YOUR PLACE.

People who know that life is too short but decide to be hypocritical anyways. LOL have fun with that.

Trying to move your cart around someone who has parked THEIR cart in the middle of the aisle and when you realize you can’t you just sliiiiide their cart out of the way and they LOSE THEIR SHIT on you for touching their cart. YES. Because I want EVERYTHING you have in your cart and am going to abandon MY cart to take off with yours. HOW ABOUT you don’t be an aisle hog? How about that??

When you pay for high speed internet and it still takes 5 minutes for a page to fully load. Twitch.

When you’re out walking your dog and someone else is walking their dog and HOLY SHIT you both have dogs so for some reason it opens up the Pandora’s box of unwanted socializing because you both have dogs when all you wanted to do was WALK YOUR DOG. You didn’t go out for a talk. You went out for a walk.

When you go to a restaurant to eat and it’s dead and they put you in the most retarded spot, like, right by the bathrooms or front entrance with the drafty door. It’s also awesome when someone else comes in and the seat them RIGHT NEXT to you. Sweeeeeeet.

Cat piss. It stinks. I hate it.

When people say “guess what” and you go “what” and then they go “guess”. Immediately, the conversation is over. Also, “chicken butt” can burn in hell.

When you’re having an EPIC screen shot worthy text convo and then the person on the other end screws it up by not responding how you wanted them too. GAH!

When you go to the dentist and you check in and they’re like… “Excited?” It seriously takes every ounce of me not to reach over the counter and punch them in the face. That being said, though, it’s probably the same for people working the concession at the movie theatre and when they say “enjoy you’re movie” and you say “enjoy working”. They probably want to punch me in the face as well. TOUCHÉ, life.

Nightmare within a nightmare. That shit isn’t cool. #inceptionisreal

/end rant. For now.

What they DON’T tell you about pregnancy…

Ankles? Nope. During the second trimester your ankles start to become one with your calves. You don’t realize how much you like your ankles until you no longer have ankles.

Heartburn isn’t the usual heartburn. It’s deathburn and NOTHING will get in it’s way. It will only laugh at TUMS and dance on the grave of pepto and Pepcid AC.

The awkward tummy stage. You never see pictures of women proudly showing off their bump during the first trimester or even during the start of the second. Nope. Know why? Cuz you just look fat. Not small enough to fit in your jeans but not big enough to wear a cute empire waisted shirt without looking like you’re trying to hide something.

Explosive constipation. I am a living contradiction that defies itself. Every. Day.

Boobs. Your boobs double, if not triple in size. This is good, though, right? WRONG. Because although they LOOK like the ultimate funbags – they are not. They are touch-these-and-die-bags. Even the lightest brushing of a t-shirt is enough to make you want a double mastectomy. Now. Oh – and also – your boobs scream when a nearby baby cries. Any baby. Just wait until you start lactating. Doesn’t matter where you are, if a baby starts to cry.. So do your boobs.

Your body starts rejecting things that once lived in harmony with it. For me? Piercings and bacon. Piercings I’ve had for over 5 years and the food of the Gods. Thumbs up for pregnancy!

Emotions and logic. The logical side of your brain goes dormant and the over emotional irrational side goes into overdrive. This is especially fun when you have to keep your shit together because you have a job, kids and a relationship. You may find that you hate people even more than you did before you were knocked up and you find yourself trying really really REALLY hard not to cause physical harm to some of them. Has my boss ALWAYS been this insane, or pregnant? Has that convenience store clerk ALWAYS smelled that bad, or pregnant? Has my sons voice ALWAYS sounded like a rusty harmonica, or pregnant? It’s a fun game that you get to play. Every. Day.

Anticipation but just kidding. Yes – you eagerly await the day your bundle of joy arrives – but honestly, you know you’ll never sleep again so you secretly are OK with just one more day. Just one more. Juuuuust one more.

Flutters. The movement in your belly you feel that aren’t quite kicks, but it’s definitely something. Sometimes it’s gas.

The want and need to have everything and everyone that ever existed close to you but as soon as they’re there, they need to go away.

Hair gets dull. Face explodes with teen-like breakouts and makeup doesn’t feel the same and doesn’t sit the same on your face. It doesn’t become ONE with your face. It just sorta… Sits on top. The way oil sits on water.

The sudden desire to sleep on your tummy… Even if you weren’t previously a tummy sleeper. Part of me wonders if it’s my subconscious host wanting to smother the parasite within. Maybe I’ve watched too many movies…

There are not enough hours in the day to sleep. There has GOT to be a way to sleep 32 hours in a 24 hour period. Like, really.

Nightmares. Always. All the time. Every hour of sleep you will be nightmaring about something.. Whether it be your baby being half fish (NO not a kick-ass merbaby – but like, half trout) or 9 months rolls around and turns out JUST KIDDING you’re not actually pregnant. Fun times.

You will get hit on by the creepiest of the creeps. I’m not talking about legit flattering compliments from people.. I’m talking about men with crazy weird fetishes that involve pregnant women, diapers and whips. No. NO.

Your body pillow can and will replace any sort of actual connections you need with your partner.

“Nesting” is terrifying and nothing like they say in the books where you start purging closets and washing walls, and folding new little baby clothes. No. It feels more like WINTER IS COMING and you have 3 days to hunt, gather and store resources for your family to survive the long, terrifying months ahead. WHY DID YOU SPEND ALL THAT PRECIOUS TIME SLEEPING?!

So there you have it. The gruesome, not so pretty and fluffy stuff they won’t tell you in the pregnancy books. Don’t get me wrong… Pregnancy is a beautiful time – but there are moments where you allow yourself to be human and hatey – and these are those moments. I know there’s women that relate… And if you DONT relate to at least SOME, then you’re lying. 😉

~ GS

Things I learned, Did and Discovered this Week. As Always, in Glittershits Fashion.

On Sunday, I was violently ill. Like.. minding my own business getting ready for work, eating breakfast and then BAM… explosively throwing up in a matter of seconds. And even though the vomiting only lasts a couple hours, the nausea take almost 3 days to completely clear up.

As long as I can remember, I have had these random bouts of sickness that come onto me in a fevered wave of sharp stabbing pains in my stomach, that ALWAYS end up with me hugging the toilet and sweating it out for three more days. It comes on in seconds, and without warning. This happened to me at work about a month ago and it was so violent that I had 3 people in HR on me demanding I call an ambulance. I’ve explained it to doctors and it’s always dismissed because it’s after the fact and they wave it off as a flu bug of some sort. NO. It’s NOT that. I could never pinpoint what was causing it – until this Sunday.

Cheerios. Yes. Cheerios. Usually, when it happens, it comes on later in the day so who knows what’s triggered it, but on Sunday it was immediately after a bowl of Cheerios.

I am a HUGE cereal lover. All of it. So, I go through quite a few different kinds throughout a month so Cheerios always eventually makes its way into the rounds. This explains why it only happens every now and then. And when I REALLY think back, that includes Honey Nut Cheerios. I don’t think I’ve had a problem with Apple Cinnamon Cheerios, though.

So, naturally, I jump onto google. And I SHIT YOU NOT, I typed in “Cheerios…” and google finished it for me. There were four major options:

“Cheerios makes me sick”
“Cheerios makes me puke”
“Cheerios makes me burp”
“Cheerios FDA warnings”

So I chose all options and read as much as I could in a day. This is an ACTUAL thing. And it’s NOT just me. Turns out that there is something in Cheerios that is causing some people (not all), to get sick. Anywhere from disgusting “Cheerios burps” to Buckling Stomach Pains – which is what I deal with. But, still, no matter how much I read, I was only getting the same thing…the same stories of what people are experiencing and no real reason WHY. Some speculate that it’s an oat allergy, but then an allergy test says otherwise. No one really knows what it causing it, but it IS happening.

AND, on top of that… the FDA has issued warnings to Cheerios because of them falsifying that they help with heart disease, and lowering cholesterol. That they do not, in fact, have the right amount of what was needed to brag that title.

If I want to REALLY REALLY think about it and go waaaay back to feeding my kids cheerios as finger food, I do remember sore bellies, gassy tummy’s, vomiting… But, as a baby – there are so many other things to pinpoint this on. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there were many other contributing factors.. but Cheerios aren’t as wholesome and innocent as they look. They’re actually the equivalent of tiny circular saws waiting to tear up your insides. It pisses me off that these are MARKETED and TARGET babies as first staple finger foods. AS IF! For this problem to be plastered all over google as much as it is, I’m shocked that these are still given to children. It scares me because it most likely doesn’t end with Cheerios. What ELSE am I feeding my kids or myself that is slowly ripping away at our insides.

Shame on YOU, Cheerios.

I don’t always eat Cheerios, but when I do, I throw up enough bile to feed a starving third world country.

So.. onto bigger and BETTER things this week.

This may come as a shocker to most people, however, I know I’m not alone in this matter – but I HATE water. I can easily go months without water touching my lips. I will even swallow pills dry because I hate water THAT much. I was never raised with water being an option to drink. It was pop, juice and milk. Never water.

Thankfully, my kids have been exposed to water and will more often than not go for a glass of water over anything else. BUT – my parents never forced it on me. Never suggested it. Maybe because their parents didn’t force it on THEM. It was just something that wasn’t drank in my household growing up.

I’ve been fighting headaches lately – out of the norm for me. A friend of mine told me to drink some water and it will help, which triggered me to say; “I don’t drink water.” To which SHE repled; “What? Like..Ever?”
Me; “Yes. Never Ever. It’s Gross”. Her; “It…tastes like nothing”. Me; “Exaaaaactly. It makes me gag”. Her; “I’m trying to wrap my head around this…”

Her reaction to how absolutely CRAZY I sounded made me think.. Hmm.. maybe there’s something more to this “water” thing than I think. And you’d be surprised, something so SIMPLE for some is something non-existent in my own life. It’s never even been contemplated as an issue before.

SO, I jump onto trusted google again:

“Side Effects From Not Drinking Enough Water”

Yeeeeeeaaah… what I read was an overwhelming slap in the face. Everything I read was basically telling me how much of an idiot I am. The list of problems are endless – and they are problems I deal with every day. All day – and have been dealing with for YEARS.

Bloating? Check.
Dry Skin? Check.
Achy Joints and Muscles? Check.
Headaches? Check.
Weight Gain? Check.
Dry Mouth? Check.
Dizziness? Check.
Light Headedness? Check.
Heartburn? Check.
Chest Pain? Check.
Grogginess? Check.
Lethargy? Check.
Depression? Check.

And the list goes on… it turns out that I was actually living a severely dehydrated life for YEARS. (Still am – as I only made this discovery a day ago)

I have been drinking nothing but water since yesterday. It’s gross – and even more gross when it becomes room temperature. I practically have to plug my nose and toss it down my throat to get it in. I’m hoping eventually It’ll grow on me – because it’s hard to make a conscious effort to drink something daily that you don’t like to drink. Hopefully I will start to see some positive side effects and then it’ll become easier. Has anyone else had this problem?

Sigh.

So, let’s see.. lessons I’ve learned lately: The importance of water, the deadliness of cheerios.. and what else? Oh yes… Compassion. Empathy. Selflessness.

My estranged (very estranged) ex husband (baby daddy) had a very serious health complication over the last little while. At first, almost everyone I know wanted to jump on the “karma wagon”, but I did not – even though, at first.. it kinda felt like I should. Instead, I was sad. I was scared and upset for the father of my children. If not just for MY children, but for his new wife and their 6 month old baby. It affected me more than I thought it would. I shared 10 years with this man, and looking back although it means nothing now, it did mean everything then. He has put me through hell and back with decisions he felt he was in the right to do, and he’s entitled to feel that way – and although he’s hurt me, countless times – I still could NOT jump on the Karma Wagon for this one. Flat tire? Sure. Losing a job? Ok. But not this. Not something that could potentially affect my children’s lives. Not something that could cause my boys an immeasurable amount of pain. I know what it’s like to lose a daddy too young – and I was at a mature age and I STILL dealt with it like I was a child. I couldn’t imagine how their little brains would process it. Even explaining to them what happened was heartbreaking. They don’t understand but deserve to know. It’s a fine and scary line. So instead of seeking support through people who won’t understand, I choose to support myself. I pray for him. I hope and wish for his recovery. I send as much positive energy as I can spare to him. For my kids.

I am absolutely able to put everything behind me and make a conscious selfless effort to help in any way I can. I’ve decided that this doesn’t make me weak. It makes me strong. Stronger than I’ll ever give myself credit for.

Friendly Dynamics

Ahhh, friends. Such a tricky subject. Such a touchy subject.

Over the years – and I mean YEARS (childhood to present), I have learned valuable lessons in friendship. I’ve learned trust – both ways. How to be trustworthy, how to betray trust. What I should do, and what I shouldn’t. I’ve made judgment errors. Irrational errors. Unintentional and intentional decisions. I have lost friends by chance and by choice. I’ve gained friends by chance, and by choice.

I’ve learned that there are different levels of friendship.

Level 1 – Acquaintances. Kind of like people filler. Like baby’s breath added to a bouquet of roses. Quantity. Not Quality. People that live in the same building as you, take the same bus as you. The cashier you see every Friday at the grocery store.

Level 2 – Socials. I count the majority of the people I work with or have worked with as level 2 friends. They care enough to listen and sympathize, but don’t really care enough to go above and beyond the duty of listening during lunch hour. Your friendship with level 2ers end as soon as you step foot outside the work door. You will most likely refer to level 2 friends as your co-worker. Not your friend.

Level 3 – Friendlies. These are Level 2 friends that have crossed the threshold. Ones you’ve sort of let into your world. Drinks after work. Catching a movie. Texting when a show you both like is on. Venting after hours about work. Gossiping. Level 3 friends are safe and very surface. They’re still shallow enough in your world that they can’t do any real damage if it turns sideways. You enjoy their company and genuinely like hanging out with them.

Level 4 – Regulars. These friends are the few that have remained in contact with you from your junior high/high school years. Or, friends that were co-workers, that crossed over to Level 3, and passed through the filters to get to level 4. These are the friends you would vent to about your personal life. Friends you’d ask for help from. These are the friends you would double date with. These are the friends you’d exchange birthday and Christmas gifts with. These friends can also make it into your wedding party. You go to most of level 4 friends for advice. Level 4 is the most dangerous level for friends. These friends are aware and submersed into your personal life. These friends have secrets, and know your weaknesses. Although, the majority of them WON’T, level 4 friends can hurt you. Most level 4 friends will stay as level 4 friends. They have everything they need to take you down and lack the pure loyalty of a Level 5 Friend.

Level 5 – Lifers. Lifers are rare. In fact, I don’t know of anyone with more Lifers than you can count on one hand. Lifers USUALLY consist of elementary school friends, or family friends. Friends who’s parents were friends. Sometimes, the odd level 4 friend will slip through the cracks into level 5. Lifers are also commonly referred to as family. It’s actually almost impossible to tell the difference between Level 5 friends and family. A true lifer will be able to go long periods of time without talking and be able to pick up like nothing has changed. Lifers have the ability to know that no matter what, it’s all good. If you have a level 5 friend, then count your blessings. They are hard to come by and easy to take for granted. Sometimes, you don’t realize that someone is a level 5 until they’re gone. Lifers are the ones you can cry with. Lifers are the ones that you no longer have to impress to keep them interested in a friendship with you. Level 5 friends are the ones who’s opinions matter the most to you. Level 5 friends are fiercely loyal and always have your best interest at heart, even if it hurts you. Level 5 friends aren’t scared to be honest because there is no risk. They are lifers. These friends never judge you – even in your darkest hour.

I think I can say that the majority of friends I’ve had in my life have been Level 2’s (Socials), and Level 3’s (Friendlies). Some of this by choice, and some of it from out of my control. I went to many different schools when I was younger, and was severely teased and bullied. This allowed me to close myself off to the population and guard my soul and heart. This allowed me to have people when I needed people in my life, but also allowed me to easily escape and keep to myself.

Losing a friend is a very hard thing to go through. It’s not the same as losing a significant other. When you lose a significant other, it’s because you were unable to be the one person to fulfil the needs of that person, or vice versa. Ideally, relationships are monogamous, and for one to fail, it’s because they need to make room for the next attempt, as there is only one spot to fill. Spots for friends, however, are infinite. There’s no rule to how many you can have, or how many positions there are to fill. So, when you lose a friend – its a huge blow to the heart and soul. It’s not like they have to bump you to make room for another. They bump you because they no longer want you in their lives. They make that conscious choice to no longer include you. They could easily keep you in your position and simply add to the pile, but they don’t even want that. They just DON’T want you in their lives anymore. Period.

I will not stand here saying I am a perfect person – and that some people have chosen to walk out of my life because we just don’t mesh. I’ve pissed people off. I’ve hurt people. I’ve taken people for granted. Yes, we all have.

But, I have been bumped. I have been ditched, and thrown away like trash. I’ve been discarded simply because it was the easiest thing to do at the time. I have given high level titles to friends that were never that level at all. I was careless and irresponsible with my choices of friendship. I did not cover all my bases. I let my guard down and my heart in the open like it was a toy. I learned some really hard lessons because of that. My foolishness hurt me.

I have chosen to be closed off. I have pushed people away and haven’t let many people in. I keep most people at arms length, now. Maybe it’s for the better, and maybe not. I’ve grown fond of social media. Interfriends are a whole new level of friends. This type of faceless friendship allows you to have all the perks of a level 3, 4, or 5 friendship without any of the possible drawbacks. Is it the same as an ACTUAL friendship? No… not really. But, it’s a decent substitute, and sadly, will be the only way of the world in a few hundred years. I feel I am often judged for my choice of this. But, can anyone really blame me? I suppose they can – but I also know that no one actually can get inside my head and feel what I feel, and what I’ve felt.

A level 4 betrayal has left me severely damaged. It changed my world as I knew it and sent me into a spiral of self doubt, self loathing and depression. Although everything has been forgiven, it unfortunately, cannot be forgotten. I deal with it the best way I know how and continue to learn from all sorts of friendly dynamics as I walk life’s path. It has absolutely left me fearful of future friendships and/or relationships – but it is the cross I bear for being careless with my heart. After this, I felt like the new kid in school. Surrounded by people, but by no one I know. The feeling of loneliness in even the most crowded of spaces. Like I’ve been living a life that wasn’t even mine to begin with, because I really had no control how it tuned out. Desperation, sadness, fear, confusion and emptiness. I felt uncertain and helpless and the most lost I’ve ever felt.

I realize that I did push a lot of people away – but only in a last ditch attempt to protect myself. I do find myself lonely at times, and regretful of some choices i’ve made. I often get angry at myself for missing things that never were. I get frustrated because sometimes I feel that ignorance is bliss, and that life could have easily kept flowing at a mind numbing pace, and me never knowing any different. But without these lows, I would’ve never experienced the highs. Regardless, I am sick of being lonely and in the long run I only have myself to blame.

Only now am I starting to have faith in friendships again. Letting certain people slip through the cracks and jump levels. Hoping that these new friendships can regain my faith in it all. That the few level 4’s and level 5’s I have left are really all I do need and and thankful and grateful for everything they are. I have to remind myself that not all people are created equal, and that even though someone hurt me, it doesn’t mean the next one will. I would hope that someone would give me the same benefit of the doubt. The golden rule, right?

I have a handful of people in my life of all levels and I love them all – and wouldn’t have it any other way, but it is very apparent that I have to start opening the door to chance again. I tell myself that some people run their course in your life to make room for the new baggage. I should probably listen to myself more often. Maybe. 😉

~GS

Shit that I like to do when feeling down about life.

When I’m feeling down about life, the biggest thing I try to do is remind myself that someone, somewhere, has a shittier life than me.

The easiest way to achieve this is to watch COPS, Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo, Judge Judy/Brown, Maury and/or Hoarders. If you don’t feel like watching TV, you can always take a drive to the scary end of town and people watch. Every city has one. The slums of cities are kind of like having a family member addicted to some sort of substance. You know it’s there and you know it’s a problem, yet you avoid it like the plague at all costs. Pretending it’s not there is definitely the best way to deal with it.

Another thing I like to do when i’m feeling down about life is eat. I LOVE food. Food is the gateway drug to more food. Especially shitty food. Carbs. Sugar. Crap-food forces your body to release feel-good endorphins that nothing else can match. But, there is a price to this euphoria. Weight gain and the sugar crash. You know when you’re going through that fast food drivethru that you shouldn’t be, so it makes you feel naughty. Kind of like you’re having an affair on your health and well-being. Kind of like the thrill of the chase. But sooner or later, your food mistress makes you feel like like shit and that’s when you go back to your health and promise to change. It won’t happen again! I promise! Just give me one more chance! And yes, your health gives you chance after chance. What a doormat. The easiest way to achieve happiness through food when you’re feeling down is to combine carbs with saturated fats and sugar. Fast food joints love to put tubs of sugar right INTO their processed foods. Killing two birds with one stone. Nice! BUT, if you’re still unsure that your food cocktail is the right ratio, be sure to throw in a large pop. That’ll put you over the edge for SURE.

Piss off my dogs. When I’m feeling depressed, a sure-fire way to make me smile again is to annoy my dogs. Being a general shit disturber is FUN. I especially love to make an extremely loud noise when they’re sleeping. Or, dab some peanut butter on their backs and watch them try to figure out how to get it. Blowing in their face will annoy even the most docile dog. Try closing a bathroom door and wedging a piece of cheese under the space between the door and the floor. Priceless. However, even though dogs are fun to annoy, cats are even MORE fun to annoy. This is the #1 main reason why I miss having cats. Not only is it extremely easy to piss off a cat, they cannot hide their annoyance. You can tell that they are secretly plotting your death in their head. The absolute BEST way to piss off a cat is to attach tape to its tail. That one will never, EVER get old – and I don’t care how much you love your cat; watching it tear around the house because of a piece of tape will make ANYONE laugh.

Text random numbers pretending to respond to a bizarre Kijiji ad. “Hey, I’m responding to your ad regarding the gently used diapers? I’m just wondering HOW used they are. Like, half a day used or a full day of usage? Please get back to me ASAP – VERY INTERESTED!”

There is also shit that I tend to AVOID when i’m feeling down about life.

RomComs. Chick Flicks. The only thing that these do is remind you how shitty your life is, and that nothing about this movie is reality. Once you’re done being angry at the movie, you will then switch to anger at your significant other. This is a tricky one, because sometimes, I like to start fights when I’m feeling down for something to do. Arguments can be super fun if the person on the other end is arguing as you have predicted. Be careful though, it might not go as planned and then you’ll be even MORE depressed. I suggest leaving this activity to experienced relationships. The ones where two people are bound together by the blood of children and three lifetimes worth of debt. Yeah.. he’s not going anywhere, let the games begin!

Don’t go through old pictures. This only reminds you of when people you loved were alive, friends that are no longer friends, when your loud-mouthed children were babies, when you were 60lbs lighter, and still had a world of opportunity ahead of you. Trust me, it won’t help you in ANY way.

But, the BIGGEST thing I like to do when I’m feeling down about life is to sleep. Sleep is the answer to all of life’s mysteries. Sleep makes EVERYTHING almost instantaneously better. When you are sleeping, even the heaviest of burdens are lifted from your shoulders. I would almost call it “Mini Death” or “Half Death”. You get to experience the complete emptiness, stressless, and worry-free feeling that death provides you, but you get to wake up later on. It has all the perks of death and none of the shitty side effects such as eternal damnation or being reincarnated as the next monkey Justin Bieber will purchase. Win-Win! But I know what you’re thinking.. you DO wake up, so you get to feel shitty all over again. WRONG. Usually, after a few days of sleeping, everything finds a way to work out by themselves. It really is magical.

After a few days of self medicating your slight breakdown or depression, post an inspirational Facebook status of cryptic song lyrics and watch as people try to decode what you mean. Be sure to only “like” what everyone says and don’t reply. It shows that you’re there.. but you’re not REALLY there. Look at you being all mysterious! You got this. You’re practically a PRO at being mysterious. 😉

~GS