I have chosen to love you from afar. 

And that’s ok. 

Sometimes, there comes a time when you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life. 

Dinosaurs that win & fail according to GlitterShits 

Dinosaurs are pretty much the coolest thing to ever roam the planet. I fucking love dinosaurs. Almost as much as unicorns – and if you know me at all, you know that’s a pretty bold statement. 

I am in my 30’s and I am the proud collector of Dino toys. Only the good ones though. Brands like Rebor, Sideshow, PAPO, some Schleich, some CollectA and some Safari. 

I’d collect unicorn toys as well – but a part of me feels a room full of unicorns makes you look borderline crazy while a room full of dinosaurs automatically gives you that cool factor you’re obviously striving so hard far. So dinosaurs it is! 

Even though the lamest dinosaur is a million times cooler than the most kick-ass animal, there still has to be a list of dinosaurs that are winning and dinosaurs that are failing. 

So let’s get this party started:

The Top 5 Dinosaurs That Fail, IMO

#5: Liopleurodon 

  

Although aquatic dinosaurs are pretty fuckin’ nifty, I feel that this aquatic Dino is the least awesome. Although it did make a small cameo in Charlie the Unicorn – which is why I’ll make it LAST on my list of lamest dinosaurs. 

It lacks size and it doesn’t boast a very good kill record. It’s not even on the top five of the prehistoric aquatic food chain. 

I also imagine it’s skin to be smooth and shiny like a seal which makes it more like a sealasaurus than a kick-ass swimming dinosaur. 

Sorry, Lio – turns out you’re not the king of the world after all. 

#4: Oviraptor

  

I wish I could say I liked this dinosaur. Anything with the word “raptor” in it has got to kick ass, right? FALSE. 

Oviraptor, unfortunately, is not a deadier, condensed version of its cousin, the velociraptor. It’s main diet consisted of eggs that were STOLEN when other dinosaurs turned their backs. Talk about cheap shots. 

If I was to compare it to an animal of today, I would compare it to a hyena or an African wild dog. A predatory scavanger that doesn’t even look cool. Im going to go with a turkey crossed with a hyena. Yes. 

I feel like, in dino terms, it’s a cross between barely a raptor, a gallimimus, a compsognathus (the tiny dinosaurs you see in Jurassic Park, The Lost World, and JP3), and an asshole. 

Just sayin’… 

Which leads me to the third lamest dinosaur on my list: 

#3: Gallimimus 

  

This dinosaur is basically an ostrich and for that, fuck you. 

#2: Brontosaurus or Apatosaurus 

  

Honestly, I almost feel bad putting this guy on my list – nevermind so high up on my list. But he really is a lame-o-saurus. It is argued that the Bronto is a sub species of the Apato and if that was the case I would take Apato off the list completely – but since it can’t be agreed on that they are two different long-necked dinosaurs, they both take the title at #2. 

If I was to compare it to an animal of today, I would combine an elephant, a cow and a sloth. Although each of these animals are pretty awesome, combining all three into a dinosaur that didn’t contribute any awesome during DinoDays makes me ask, “What’s the point?” 

Do not confuse this Dino with Brachiosaurus. This breed of long necked sauropod kicked MEGA ass and is NOT under the same category as Brontofailasaurus. 

#1: Pterodactyl & Iguanodon

  

   

 I had to tie these two stupid dinosaurs. 

Usually, anything with wings automatically defaults to everything awesome – but with this guy, I have to disagree. It’s ugly and any toy or display at dinosaur shows or theme parks with this dinosaur look fucking retarded. 

If I was to compare it with an animal of today it would be crossed with a pelican, a bat and a seagull. Let that sink in for a minute. Yeah. Fucking stupid. 

And don’t even get me started on iguanodon. It’s name is so lame, I feel like a 5 year old boy found its bones and the museum was like, ok what do you want to name it? And he was like IGUANASAURUS AFTER MY IGUANA – and they somehow convinced him to drop the “Saurus” and replace it with “don” in hopes of a less lame sounding dinosaur. Nope. Nice try though. 

Also – it’s thumbs look fucking ridiculous. What made people putting this skeleton together decide they were thumbs? That poor dinosaur is rolling over in its grave cursing humans and screaming: “THOSE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SPIKES AT THE END OF MY TAIL!” Those stupid thumbs are a lifelong curse of giving everyone a thumbs up, even if it wants to say “hey, GFY!” They should of called it Fonziesaurus. 

Sorry, Igo… There’s just no turning back now. 

Top 5 Dinosaurs That Win, IMO

#5: Parasaurolophus 

  

This is my favourite dinosaur of all time. But, I have enough common sense to know that this herbivore simply cannot be #1. 

I feel like this is the unicorn of the dinosaurs. Beautiful, graceful and probably magical. 

It’s known to have large paternal and maternal instincts and even “DinoSat” other hatchlings amongst the herd. 

It also isn’t useless like the brontosaurus and can run at top speeds and will viscously defend its family unit. Go team! 

#4: Styracosaurus 

  

This dinosaur is the sexiest of all the ceratopsians, or “horned faced” dinosaurs. 

They have a beak like mouth that is unique to ceratopsians and the Styracosaurus has the deadliest horns on its nose and neck frill. 

If I was to compare Styracosaurus with an animal of today, it would be Megan Fox. 

#3: Tyrannosaurus Rex 

  

We all knew T-Rex was going to make this list. But, I bet many of you thought it was going to be #1! 

T-Rex has star power and definitely wins any kind of popularity contest – thanks to the Jurassic Park franchise. 

Although the T-Rex was at the top of the cheer-a-mid and most likely dated the prized quarterback, I definitely feel that there are more meatier, underrated, kick ass carnivorous dinosaurs out there. 

Plus, Rexy has been the brunt of too many short-arm-can’t-reach jokes. Although a T-Rex joke never gets old, a T-Rex at the top of dino lists does. 

#2: Megalodon

   

 
Because it’s fucking Megalodon. 

#1: Spinosaurus

  

And here we have #1! The Spinosaurus. This mean mother towers over the t-rex. It’s pretty much a Baryonix (another kick-ass dino) on steroids. 

It’s believed that it had webbed feet because the dorsal fin on its back would have no other purpose rather than a tool for swimming. 

That’s right. This dinosaur SWAM. It might as well sprout wings and breathe fire so we can call it a fucking dragon. It’s practically that anyways. 

If I was to compare it to an animal of today, it would be Chuck Norris. 

Honourable Mention Top 3 Dinosaurs That Win

#1: Deinonychus

  

This is the dinosaur that has been dubbed the false name of Velociraptor – again – thanks to the Jurassic Park Franchise. 

Don’t get me wrong – the Jurassic Park movies are the equivalent of porn when it comes to creature features, but they did falsely depict some of the dinosaurs. 

Even though they are smaller than many prehistoric carnivores, the deinonychus had very few reasons to watch his back. Human-like smarts, lightening speed, cat like flexibility and agility with a machete attached to his foot made this dino almost indestructible. 

This dinosaur is the equivalent of today to a honey badger, on ecstasy, with a chain saw. 

#2: Ankylosaurus

  

Look at this fucking dinosaur. LOOK AT IT. 

It’s a living, breathing weapon. It is a mace with a brain. Enough said. 

#3: Thalassomedon

  

I choose this dinosaur because 

It

Still

Exists. 

Just ask all those people in Scotland. 

   

Hooray! Another hatey list blog! 

Sometimes, when you burn food – it gives it that yummy charred taste. Things like BBQ chicken, or marshmallows or hotdogs over a fire. But then there are things that you burn that taste so horrible, you start to contemplate the act of eating altogether and why you even bother. 
Here is my top three list of things that taste like absolute shit when burnt. 

#3: Pasta Noodles 
I know you’ve all been there. A pot of KD at 3am after a night of drinking always sounds glorious. The only catch is you have to make it and you are starting to experience the spins. 

Intentions always start out the greatest. You skip the step of boiling the water before you put in the pasta. Drunken sense tells you it’s an unnecessary step. 

You put the burner on high, dump in pasta and go lay on the couch. 

The initial boil over scares the living shit out of you. You leap off the couch and pull the pot off the burner and blow down the foam bubbles. You look at the stove top and start to dread the clean up in the morning. 

Ok, you give the pasta a stir – turn the temp way down and let the noodles simmer as you go counteract your spins with your arm draped over your eyes while you lay on the couch waiting for your glorious KD that is going to fix  everything.

This is about the time you pass out and eventually wake to the smell of something burning. How long were you asleep for? You don’t know – but it definitely was long enough for every last drop of water to boil out and half the pasta to cook to the bottom of the pot. 

Go you! Superstar. 

Whatever – you scrape what’s salvageable and add the heavenly powdered cheese, milk and butter only to discover that the noodles are mushy and they have that burnt taste that completely overpowers anything you tried to accomplish. 

Fuck it. You’re finding a way to a McDonald’s drive thru. 

#2: Bread 

I am always torn with whether or not to call this bread or toast. 

Technically, if the bread is burnt it’s now toast. (No pun intended) 

You’re not toasting toast. You’re toasting bread. And the end result, burnt or not, is toast. 

Toast that has gone too far is one of the nastiest things I’ve ever tasted. 

There is no amount of jam, peanut butter, Nutella or cheese whiz that can save it, either. 

In my experience, the numbers on a toaster mean sweet fuck-all. Numbers usually range from 1-6, and for the longest time time I thought they were levels of toastiness. 

Turns out, though, that they are minutes. 

But – they aren’t just regular minutes that the rest of the world uses. They are magical toaster world minutes. 

Last week, 3 gave me the perfect level of toastiness. ZERO burnt spots, a beautiful golden brown throughout, and crust that still has a bit of elasticity to it. Perfection. 

Today, 3 completely obliterated my bread. 

Sigh. Ok, toaster… Please enlighten me as to why 3 toaster minutes LAST WEEK was the perfect amount of time to toast my bread, but, THIS WEEK, 3 toaster minutes is the equivalent of a nuclear war against breakfast? 

Ok – new bread and 2 should do the trick. 

NOPE, still burnt to shit. 

Ok – new bread and 1. No? Oh this is a fun game. Now you won’t even stay down. No matter how many times I push down the lever or how long I hold it for, it pops back up. 

A TOASTER IS THE JAR JAR BINKS OF SMALL KITCHEN APPLIANCES. 

I give up. Im having sugar crisp. 

#1: Popcorn 

I feel that I don’t even really need to expand on this one. Everyone has experienced burnt microwaved popcorn at some point. 

It is the most vile smell and taste in the burnt food category. 

Even if only TWO kernels are burnt – it will ruin the ENTIRE BAG. Not only is the whole bag ruined, your whole house will now smell like burnt popcorn carcasses for a few weeks. It’s best burn your house down and start over at this point, to be honest. 

You know who’s fault this is? That fucking POPCORN BUTTON on the microwave. It’s the biggest asshole known to man that LIED on its resume to get the job. 

“Fluent in popcorn popping time”

Until it’s time to deliver and it screws up EVERY TIME… 

“Uhh.. This popcorn is a different dialect.” 

Yeah. Whatever. I’ll just start the process of elimination to find the perfect popping time by manually keying in the cooking time. 

PS – my perfect popcorn popping time is 2:22. 

You’re welcome. 

Little Miss GlitterShits Resurrected for Danger Darrin AND NOBODY ELSE.

Well, shit. Turns out I have fans of this blog. 

Also turns out that my kick-ass blog has transformed into a magical fuckin’ snooze-fest about LIFE and MISTAKES and PARENTHOOD and blah-fuckin’-blah. 

The good news? I’ve created a shiny brand new blog to bitch and moan about life, so I can keep it off of here. 

The bad news? I miiiiiiight be a little rusty. Awesomeness isn’t like riding a bike. It’s like riding a velociraptor that’s riding a unicorn that’s riding a sloth that’s riding a ma’fuckin’ bike. Mmmkay? So bear with me. Shit is complicated. 

I’m gonna go through all my posts and get rid of the non-awesome ones. I guess throughout my pregnancy I lost my awesome and decided to talk about stuff that, if we are being honest here, people truly don’t give a shit about. 

I also went through some personal drama that isn’t drama anymore because you can only be awesome if you’re drama-free (which is what I am). The only downfall to a drama free life is it can get somewhat boring, but I’ll take it. That’s s trade-up ANY day of the week.     

In actuality – this blog is only going to be BETTER than what it was because I am new-and-fuckin’-improved-drama-free-and-ridiculously-lighter-baggage-GlitterShits. 

I know what you’re thinking:

“How can this blog and/or author POSSIBLY surpass previous awesomeness?!” 

I can assure you it’s possible. It’s the GlitterShits BlogPlot Twist you’ve ALL been waiting for! OMG. Say that. BlogPlot. I feel like I have to claim that word. I feel like it could be something big. Anyways.. 

Remember in the original planet of the apes? THE ORIGINAL. When the humans were captured and enslaved by the apes on some unknown planet? And then the humans were able to entrust some of the compassionate apes? And then they escaped? And then all hell broke lose? And then HOLY SHIT THERE’S THE MA’FUCKIN STATUE OF LIBERTY? And then THEY’VE BEEN ON EARTH THIS WHOLE TIME???? 

THAT’S what this BlogPlotTwist ressurection is like. Except instead of HUMANS, it’s a blog. And instead of APES it’s text. And instead of earth being completely overrun by apes that can talk and ride horses when you thought you were on another planet this whole time – it’s just more posts. 

I KNOW, right? I’m excited too!

Things to look forward to during this ressurection:

• Things I fucking hate!

• Things that make me rage!

• Things that only slightly annoy me but I can live with!

• Types of people that shouldn’t be allowed to breathe!

• Types of people that forgot how to people!

• Situations that make me uncomfortable and should make you feel ashamed about yourself!

• Cat stories!

• Meat!

• Movie plots holes that make me fucking CRAZY!

• Music that needs to come back and music that needs to die! 

• Types of animals that have no purpose and don’t make any sense! 

• What men need to understand about being alive! 

• Why unicorns are invisible and how I know they DO exist! 

• Things I USED to hate and forgot about but now I remember why I hate them! 

• How my children make me twitch! 

• Making fun new recipes while extremely intoxicated! 

• Decoding childhood nursery rhymes and discovering the truly horrifying origins! 

• and much, MUCH more! 

How excited are YOU, Darrin? HOW EXCITED? 

Things that make me rage

I haven’t ranted in a bit.. Let’s see what I’ve been bottling up:

When someone gets a wrist tattoo the size of a loonie and boasts with the caption; “TATTED UPPPPP!!!” No. No you’re not. You’ve received a tattoo.. And now you have one tattoo. Sshhhh.

When strangers think my pregnant belly is a free for all. HOLD UP. Stop touching me. Did I give you permission to touch me? ALSO – my sleeve tattoo. “Ohhh I love your tattoo…” As they reach out and grab my arm and twist it in an extremely awkward angle to see the other side of it. Seriously? I’m going to start walking up to people who have really soft looking sweaters and rub my face into their backs. Seems fair, right?

Unsolicited advice from people who do NOT succeed at life. I fail at a lot of things… That’s why I usually keep my advice to myself – unless it’s shit I am qualified in. But my FAVORITE is when the alcoholic criticizes the food addict. OR the non-parent advises the parent. NO. STOP IT AND KNOW YOUR PLACE.

People who know that life is too short but decide to be hypocritical anyways. LOL have fun with that.

Trying to move your cart around someone who has parked THEIR cart in the middle of the aisle and when you realize you can’t you just sliiiiide their cart out of the way and they LOSE THEIR SHIT on you for touching their cart. YES. Because I want EVERYTHING you have in your cart and am going to abandon MY cart to take off with yours. HOW ABOUT you don’t be an aisle hog? How about that??

When you pay for high speed internet and it still takes 5 minutes for a page to fully load. Twitch.

When you’re out walking your dog and someone else is walking their dog and HOLY SHIT you both have dogs so for some reason it opens up the Pandora’s box of unwanted socializing because you both have dogs when all you wanted to do was WALK YOUR DOG. You didn’t go out for a talk. You went out for a walk.

When you go to a restaurant to eat and it’s dead and they put you in the most retarded spot, like, right by the bathrooms or front entrance with the drafty door. It’s also awesome when someone else comes in and the seat them RIGHT NEXT to you. Sweeeeeeet.

Cat piss. It stinks. I hate it.

When people say “guess what” and you go “what” and then they go “guess”. Immediately, the conversation is over.

When you’re having an EPIC screen shot worthy text convo and then the person on the other end screws it up by not responding how you wanted them too. GAH!

When you go to the dentist and you check in and they’re like… “Excited?” It seriously takes every ounce of me not to reach over the counter and punch them in the face. That being said, though, it’s probably the same for people working the concession at the movie theatre and when they say “enjoy you’re movie” and you say “enjoy working”. They probably want to punch me in the face as well. TOUCHÉ, life.

Nightmare within a nightmare. That shit isn’t cool.

/end rant. For now.

My Blog

The absolute MOST healing thing I have ever done is this blog.

I never would of thought when I started this almost three years ago, I would still be going strong blogging away.

I have been able to say everything I’ve ever needed to say right here. I’ve been able to let go of negative energy I’ve been Harboring and also connect with so many supportive people from around the world.

Thank you to everyone that reads my posts that allow me to express what I need to express. Thank you for the support from everyone over the years.

Thank you to the NON supporters who have only given me strength and belief in myself.

Every day is one step towards whatever it is we are stepping towards and I couldn’t have gotten here today without the voice that this blog has given me.

~ GS